I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
