When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
