I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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