Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
