was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
