Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
