I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
operation harelip BJ is a go
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I stole a fireplace last night.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize
