I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
