Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity�
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
