I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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