First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
