I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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