Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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