Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
