I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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