Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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