Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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