Too much gin, very little bucket
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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