some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
