I want to have your abortion
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
