There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
