Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Randomize
