nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
