On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
