I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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