i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Randomize
