I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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