he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
