i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
