They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
