I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
