4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Randomize
