It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
