He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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