Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
pray to the hookup gods
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
