I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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