I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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