I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
