So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
