How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Randomize
