i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
