Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
