now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
