Your dad touched me again.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Randomize
