I'm so fucking centered right now
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
