So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
