Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
