dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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