yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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