Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
