Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
